What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 02:14
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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I have no regrets .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She married twice! .
But it wasn’t much.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why are white women so hard to date?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was scared of men, in general
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im still living with it.
Ive learnt so much.
I was 9 years of age.
I think the readers, may guess!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It was going to be , some day.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Comes on , in middle age.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She wouldn,t have been !
He resisted the act ,that day.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She loved him until the end.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
What did i know ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So whats the point in blame.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
All the time i was locked up.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I said to her
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Put me off passion for life!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He knew the spot.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Would this be the day?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She found it foreign!.
I waited trembling.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
When she asked me how she looked .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One cannot live in the past .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Who then, do I blame.?
She was in good health!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I don,t even have a pension.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I will be 64.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I could never make a relationship work though!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We all went to grammer schools
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My life is so biszare .
I write beautiful poetry .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So, i spoilt her more .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But, we were locked up after school.
As i do to all so called friends.?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is soul school!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My family never makes their pension either.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was seconnd youngest,
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We were not on the streets..
And i lived it daily.
I was very sick at this time too.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)