What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 15:35
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I think the readers, may guess!
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What's wrong with white women?
It was going to be , some day.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Who has experienced what they called a happy accident (bestiality)?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She loved him until the end.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I couldn’t, believe it.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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Comes on , in middle age.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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As i do to all so called friends.?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it wasn’t much.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And i lived it daily.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Women like what they hear while men like what they see, it that true?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Put me off passion for life!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
What did i know ?
I have no regrets .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My family never makes their pension either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was seconnd youngest,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Especially a lifetime of it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I said to her
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She found it foreign!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
All the time i was locked up.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But ive been too sick for many years..
(And it was in our own minds.)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
I was 9 years of age.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She wouldn,t have been !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So, i spoilt her more .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She married twice! .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why did i forgive my father ?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Would this be the day?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I write beautiful poetry .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One cannot live in the past .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But, we were locked up after school.
He knew the spot.
So whats the point in blame.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was very sick at this time too.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I will be 64.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im still living with it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
On the 31st of Jan this month .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Ive learnt so much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My life is so biszare .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
This is soul school!.
We all went to grammer schools
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I waited trembling.
I don,t even have a pension.
We were not on the streets..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was in good health!
When she asked me how she looked .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.